How Old Do I Look?
This past Tuesday, I unceremoniously reached the age of 32. This next day, Pamela and I had dinner at parent’s house and my mom said something pretty prolific. She was discussing the moment that she realized she was getting older. Her reflection was that “when we are young, we always want to do things to make ourselves look older. You know you are older when you try to do things to make you feel younger.”
It was interesting to hear, considering I’ve been feeling very passionate about age lately. There are two things that rankle my feathers more than anything in this world.
1. Misperception based on my youthful look
2. Being compared to other people
Let’s tackle these two things. I admit it myself. I look like I’m 23-years-old. It’s both a blessing and a curse. In my personal life it enables me to connect better with a younger generation. It makes me feel better about me and Pamela’s 6.5 year age gap and it gives me a sense of youthful immortality. With that being said, I wish I had more wrinkles, broader shoulders and less of a baby face. My youthful appearance is causing me to lose opportunities and causing people to have the wrong impression of my capabilities.
I’d like to make this point crystal clear. My performance, knowledge and experience in the professional world far exceed what most people assume. It sounds cocky, over-confident but it’s very factual. Other then plastic surgery, there is simply nothing I can do to make me look older. Sure I can put on a suit, dial up my hair and wear cheap cologne. You can also put a tux on a pig but it’s not going to fool anyone.
In a previous job, I was discriminated against simply because I look young. I’m not going to go into great detail nor am I going to waste time with regrets or lawsuits but my young face cost me a career. How do I know this? A few weeks into my executive level job, I was introduced to the president of this organization. We had never met before in our lives. He took one look at me, dropped his head, lost eye contact, give a limp handshake and simply said “Boy, you look young.” My response was, “perhaps you are right but I’m also well-qualified for this position and I can deliver on every promise.” As the job continued, I was told that other staff members would be added to my team to give the client the perception of “gray-haired advisors.” My reply, was “Am I doing something wrong?” “No, you are doing a great job so far,” I was told.
Before long, I was replaced by an older lady, much less qualified then me and it was evident that my departure wasn’t due to skills but due to my thick head of brown hair and my youthful appearance. I am the master of non-verbal communication and although phrases like “you look so young” can clearly give me vibes and signals, so does shoulder-dropping, minimal eye-contact and condescending verbiage like “’Hey buddy,’ ‘Thanks Champ,’ ‘Good Job Kiddo.’” It’s insulting, it’s irritating and it’s simply misaligned.
My overall feeling is that its fair game to ask me about my qualifications and my expertise. I embrace that conversation because we are now getting to facts and not looks. It’s come to the point where I feel the need to disclose that I’m married at job interviews. I recognize it’s a question that’s avoided in interviews but it’s a way for me to indirectly say “I’m older then you may think and I’m also responsible.”
This youthful appearance is not only something that interferes with my job establishment but it also effect’s me to a lesser degree on a personal level. One night Pamela and I were out with my friend and his fiancé. At this juncture of our lives, we were engaged for a few months ourselves but we had been seeing each other for well over two years. At this time, I was around 28 and Pamela was around 22 of age. The engaged couple consisted of my friend, who was around the age of 27 and his fiancé was maybe 26. They were together less than a year and at that point and were gearing up for a wedding in just a few short months.
We were sitting in a coffee shop and having a drink. The thought of my friend getting married was a joy for me. At one point of this evening together, my friend got up to the counter to grab a napkin. As he was up, his then fiancé (now ex-wife) had the audacity to say to us “Boy, you guys are really too young to be getting married.”
To this day, that comment still gets my goat for a myriad of reasons.
A. Last I checked, people can get married once they reach the age of 18.
B. Since when is there an obstruction of marriage based on the principles of simply “looking young?”
C. Age doesn’t determine how prepared you are for marriage. It’s a ceremony based on love, trust and compromise.
D. At that moment, we had a lot more foundation and longevity built into our relationship. Who was she to judge?
As it turns out, their marriage lasted a few months and the more I think about, I realized it was not my friends fault at all. He married a person who believed marriage was a coming of age and not a reflection based on other fundamental principles. My point is that I’m not here to embarrass my friend (notice I’m not mentioning either of their names) but more to bring out a much larger point. I am not defined by my youthful look.
DON’T COMPARE EITHER
Along the same line, I hate being compared to people. More specifically, I don’t want to be compared to those more fortunate than me and to be fair, I don’t want to be compared to people less fortunate than me either. I’m Ryan Rosenbaum, I’m one of a kind individual. In this bland, static and categorized culture, I can truly say that there is not a single human-being out there quite like me.
We are a culture of comparable subjects. Even in the world of celebrity. Chris Johnson is the next Walter Peyton, Christine O’Donnell is the next Sarah Palin, Katy Perry is the next Madonna. Who is the next Oprah? Why can’t you be more like your brother? Who does she remind you of?
I am not defined but what I do and how much I make. This endless comparative measurement drives me mad. Let me get this out of the way, I am an accomplished professional with an MBA and relevant work experience. I am also unemployed. There are inexperienced, unaccomplished, unprofessional people out there making more money and filling prominent positions. I do not take anything away from them nor would I beseech their success but I also wouldn’t dare to compare us because of the size of our wallets or career success..
Here is an example of what I am driving too. I was speaking to someone who is very dear to me the other day. I told this individual that Pamela and I would be purchasing a new home once I secure a new job. This individual began to verbally undress me and compare me to a person in my family, who recently bought a home and happens to be quite wealthy. I have no problem with this family member and I’m actually really happy they purchased a home but we should never be compared. There is nothing to compare. Having a job and money does not make him or anyone else better or any worse than me.
In fairness, this person who verbally undressed me made a more favorable comparison to me with another individual, when I was working and making a decent living. I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now.
These kinds of comparisons are also evident in work environments. In a past profession, I was the only manager to associate with the entry-level employees. I was actually ridiculed and repudiated for associations. The irony is many of these entry-level employees were far more brilliant and productive than many managers (myself included). Their one flaw is they made less money thus had less value in the eyes of the managers. How can we even begin to compare the value of these individuals? You can’t and you shouldn’t. That’s exactly my point.
You can’t measure a person based on economic wealth and you should never compare them to anyone else in life. I know it’s a fun exercise to determine common characteristics but I’m a very individualistic human being that should only be compared to one person…myself.
