Welcome to another edition of Life in My Brain. Like last month, I feel as though its best if I try to focus my blog on issues not related to sports or politics. If interested you can go to www.presidentialpoliticsonline.com to quench that thirst. For now, I’d like to comment on current events, culture and the mundane things in life such as:
WHERE THE HELL IS
DAVID HASSELHOFF
Hello Hoff, where are you? The last time we heard from this
American Treasure was almost a year ago, when he hinted at changing his last
name from Hasselhoff to simply, Hoff. Really, it took 63-years of his life to
make this dramatic decision? I mean the last name was what made him great. I
mean that and his golden pipes. The guy is a triple threat and an internet
sensation. Oh, how we miss those slow-motion bouncing pecks in Baywatch (Let
the record show that it was more of a bemusement then adoration for another man’s
pecks). Oh, how we miss drunken Hoff eating cheeseburgers off the floor. Truth
be told, they were IN-And-Out burgers, which are so delicious and demand to be eaten
from almost any surface. Hek, I miss the man who was an awesome judge on
“Americas Got Talent.” Come back Hoff!! The people of Germany don’t deserve you
like we do.
I HATE TWO CHIPS
Chip Kelly and the new credit card chip. Since I pledged no
sports, lets stick with my hatred for the new credit card chip. I get it, we
need to prevent data breaches and identity theft. No one knows this better than
me. My identity was stolen twice in 2007. Thank goodness my credit score now
sucks and I don’t have to worry about identity theft ever againJ However, can we PLEASE
go back to what GOD intended for consumers, swipe purchases. I don’t like anything
about the new chip machines. I don’t like inserting my card like an ATM and then
the disappoint that nothing comes out at the end. I don’t like remembering 4
digit codes because who among us can remember our kid’s birthdates for Christ
sakes? Most of all, I don’t like the nasty attitude the chip machine gives me
when my card is inserted too long. Hey pal, you can buzz at someone else. For
now, I am boycotting stores with chip machines. I’ll stick luck with stores who
are not as data compliant.
PEDICURES
I have a confession. I went into a nail salon the other day…
with my mother. She had her tips refilled? I went for my regular pedicure.
That’s right, I said “regular pedicure.” Yes, I will also profess that I enjoy
it and yes, I always make small talk with the technician touching my feet.
Because:
A.
It would be rude not to
B.
I feel it’s important to tell her about my wife
and daughter so that she doesn’t think I’m playing for the other team….not that
there’s anything wrong with that....except the general perception that heterosexual
married men don’t like pedicures. Boy, they are pretty damn amazing. Here is
what men can expect:
1.
20 amazing minutes of a vibrating massage chair.
2.
A person other than yourself willing to touch
your dank toe nails and clipping them like an Edward Scissorhands masterpiece.
3.
A warm foot bath.
4.
A sponge bath for the bottom of your feet and
heel. Yes, it is an awesome scrub down.
5.
A person willing to dig in and massage in
between your toes.
6.
A filing down of your toes nails/ picking a way
at nail tucked in your side toe skin. Not particularly the best part but needed
for sure.
7.
Gelling and deep ankle, foot and shin massage.
Purely delightful.
All of this for like $20 and a tip. I get
my feet done around 4-5 times a year. I’m not ashamed and if I had the money it
would be a weekly occurrence. You can mock me, take my man card and deny me a
seat in your man cave but you can’t knock it till you try it.
I know this isn’t the manly thing to do but
I’m going to dime out another highly hetero man who loves his Pedi (Real men
can say Pedi instead of Pedicure). His name is Seth Pollock. He and I actually
experienced our first pedicures together a week before I was married. We filmed
it…it was funny then…funny now but there is truth to funniness and pedicures
are no joke.
GENE
WILDER DIED
When I heard the news, I’ll tell you what I
thought. I thought he was already dead. You know what else I thought? There
sure are a lot of Gene Wilder fans out there in the social media world. It
appears everyone was a fan of his…on the day that he died. Where was everyone’s
proclamation for the love his work on social media last year? Last month? Last
week? It has dawned on me that we only truly become a fan of celebrities when
they die. Thus I would like to take this opportunity to tell certain
celebrities how much I love and appreciate them before they leave this earth.
1.
Steve Martin – You were amazing man. Love your
work on the Banjo
2.
Allen Iverson – Shit man, your crossover killed
but no one should be surprised that you died this young with your lifestyle (not
appropriate?)
3.
Betty White: It was a hell of a run. You were
the last living person who spoke to Moses.
4.
John Travolta – A much better actor then pilot
we have now learned.
5.
MEATLOAF – How ironic of you to die on stage
while singing “Heaven Can Wait”
6.
Doris Day- Really, you were still alive
7.
Lindsey Lohan or Miley Cyrus – You should have
not mixed those prescriptions. We will miss one or probably both of you.
8.
Dr. Ruth – You are sex doctor. You should have
known that technique was going to kill you.
9.
Clarence Thomas – I’m guessing they will blame
this one on an Obama or a Clinton.
10.
Jack Hanna – Yes, alligators have sharp teeth. I
thought you were an expert.
STAND FOR YOUR COUNTRY
I’d like to take a stand on Colin Kapernicks defiance to stand during the
anthem and presentation of our flag. Once again, one can argue that my blog
entry is dabbling into sports since he is an NFL Quarterback. It’s not. His
refusal to stand has nothing to with the game itself. I also don’t see this as political
fodder either. You can protest something and not have it be political. I’d like
to theoretically protest my wife’s cooking and that would not be political but
it may end up with her walloping me in my man zone. Ok, Ill eat the damn kale.
My take is that I believe in protesting….as long as it doesn’t involve
blocking traffic. As an American citizen, Colin Kapernick has the right to
protest whatever he wants and I support that. I also believe that he has the
right to sit down and not participate in the festivities of the flag and
country.
Here is where I disagree with Colin Kapernick. I honestly don’t see the
correlation here and I may be alone here. Yes, he lives in America and America
is NOT great at everything we do. Big surprise. We live in a country with
Kardashians and that’s not so great, so should I not salute the flag because I
think our country immortalizes talentless socialites? We also have the largest
obesity problem in the world, so should I not salute flag because our kids are
fat and out of shape? I also don’t like how rich people don’t pay their fair share
of taxes. The point is there is a lot to dislike about things happening in
America. This includes the small percentage of overzealous cops killing
innocent people (most of them of color). It’s not right. Its’s not fair but
it’s also not what the flag stands for either.
“The flag still stands for freedom and they can’t take that away” Lee
Greenwood famously sang. He also said we are “Proud to Be an American.” You
know why? Because there is more right in this country then there is wrong.
Kapernick feels as though a certain group of people are oppressed and targeted.
I would say, what about the Gays, the Jews, The Muslims, WOMEN!!! Should they
sit for the flag ceremony too. What about those who don’t like the Kardashians,
the obesity rate or self-loathing rich people who don’t pay taxes? Anyone that
has a general complaint about something wrong in America should sit? So we
should all sit? Or we should all move to a country where things are much
better. Like Syria?North Korea? Iran? You see my point?
When I think of the flag, I think of men and women in the military who
fight for causes that may not always align with their political philosophies
but do it anyway in the pursuit that we can all live in a free country. When I
think of the flag, I think of immigrants with only the cloths on the back who
wanted to start a new life for their kids, grand-kids and future family. I
think of John McCain himself (not to be political) but the man can’t lift his
hands above his head because of the torture he took in Vietnam for being a
person who honored that flag.
If Colin Kapernick wants to protest by marching outside his Police
District that would be more honorable and sensible for his cause being heard in
the right forum..
Farewell to Josh Innes
I’m sad. Maybe I shouldn’t be sad because there are so many things in the
life to worry about such as Zika, the cost of Starbucks, the outlook of my
fantasy football team, Ryan Lochtes bleached head and the curious
discontinuance of sardines in a can. However, I must say that the recent firing
of my favorite Philadelphia radio host, Josh Innes has flipped my world upside
down.
I spend a lot of time in my car and talk radio keeps me both informed and
entertained. I admit that the vast majority of people who read my blog don’t
know who Josh Innes is (or for that matter are wondering how to operate the FM
dial in their cars since they are simply cool with their MP3 setups).
Josh is a relatively young (30) radio journeyman, who was hired to do
sports talk in a city where he has never lived. Oddly, he grew up in the radio
business. His father voiced the character of Scooby-Doo and Josh took an
interest in radio. He began his career in his teens doing, of all things, VERY
minor league hockey play-by-play. But in essence that’s what I loved about
Josh’s brand of radio. He is not one of those guys who was simply given
anything in life. He earned it. He circled his career through various other
spots like New Orleans and Houston.
Here is the knock on Josh while talking sports in Philadelphia: He was
NOT one of us. Boo, I didn’t realize that was a qualifier. Actually, there are
many great hosts at that station not from around here. In fact, more are NOT
from around here then are from around here. The other knock on Josh was that he
was brash and unapologetic. This is actually true but it is also what made him
interesting. He was douche-like but he wore it like a badge of honor and even
invited civil discourse with callers and radio competitors.
We really don’t know what ultimately
got him fired. Reports are that he towed the lines with a controversial race
topic that bruised the image of his main radio adversary. I actually believe
that he was simply not the cup of tea for his boss (Programming Director). His
ousting was simply a formality built upon many documented controversies that
trailed Josh Innes in his time in Philadelphia.
The sadder part of this story is that I think Josh just doesn’t care. He
knows he is talented and in my opinion, he looks at each radio job as car lease
that expires after a certain period of time. He never ingratiated himself with
the local crowd because it felt like everyone knew the eventual outcome. That
outcome was he was a rental talent, who is now taking his show elsewhere and
that’s a shame for us and for him.
It
matters to me because I really enjoyed the vibe of his show and now I’ll make
life adjustments in my afternoon drive home. It’s also another instance where I
realized where my life could have been many years ago. I was a radio student in
the late 90’s and I still feel a passion for that industry. I came to an
intersection of my life, where I realized that if I pursued this life, I
probably would have had a little bit of the Josh Innes flavor in my personality
and that partially meant that I’d be going from city to city every few years
restarting my life and that’s something I could ever stomach. I bid Josh Innes
a Philly farewell and wish him luck in whatever city hires him for the next two
years.
Sticklers for Grammar
Many of you have carefully read every word of my blog. I
thank you for that and I thank you for your readership. Most likely there will
be some out there who read this and will send me very critical emails about my
terrible grammar. To that I say, I don’t give a shit. I mean I care to the
extent where I want my words to be coherent and meaningful. However, I also
believe that there are very things in the world as irritating as the grammar
police. They are especially irritating when they get up on their high horse of
literary excellence and often misspell or put their semicolons where they don’t
belong too.
Here’s a general guide where grammar counts:
1.
Newspaper Reporters: I mean this is their job
and most of these rags have professional editors to sharpen this stuff up.
2.
Lawyers: Once again. Depositions, working
documents and legal papers kind of require grammatical excellence here.
3.
College Papers: I mean we are getting graded
here. We should put some effort into it.
Here is where grammar is not as important
1.
Emails. They are kind of informal and don’t
require more than just a simple spellcheck (Even that’s a courtesy depending on
the sender)
2.
Blogs: No one here is getting paid or being
graded.
The more I think about it, the more my blood boils for these Deciphers of
Punctuation Excellence Standards (DOPES). They have nothing better today than
to needle, nag and poke in an area that no one but themselves really true care
about.
This last entry as not directed at any one individuals but rather to the
group of DOPES who troll informal mediums of communication to mindfully point
out missing commas, I say “Get a Life!”
Until
next time America!
