LEGENDARY ONES 2008 IN REVIEW - PHILLY STYLE

It’s been a hek of a year. Personally it’s literally been the best year in my life as I earned my MBA, witnessed the election of Americas first black president, savored my first world championship as a Phildelphia sports fan, married my love muffin in a mega event in Center City and the best part of this year is that I am now a level 3 in Sodoku. I wanted to give my overall view of our 4 local sports teams and list my best / worst of what went down in 2008. I will also add some snarly remarks. Let’s get started.

IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER

These are my views as I see if from a diehard sports fan

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

THE SKINNY: The Eagles will always remain the favorite professional team in Philadelphia. No one will ever touch them. It’s been nearly 50 years since they won a championship and even though we are headed back to the playoffs, you get the feeling that we are not quite good enough to win the Super Bowl anytime soon.

THE COACH – Andy Reid is the best coach we have in the city right now. He is the best coach the Eagles ever had and he may be one of the top 5 coaches in the NFL today. With all that being said, he needs to go. I realize how insane that sounds but I believe that he has the “Larry Brown Syndrome.” He has done everything he can do with the talent he has on the team. His play-calling has been stagnant and predictable. Obviously my opinion will change if this team goes on a run and makes it to the Super Bowl but being slightly above average is no longer acceptable for this team.

WHAT THEY NEED TO DO – After they fire the coach, they should also fire the GM, which in this case should be easy since it’s the same guy. They should stop thinking that they are good enough to trade down in drafts. Most GM’s are working off the same scouting materials so the first few rounds should be easy enough that we don’t need to trade those picks away. The tough part is finding that solid pick in the later rounds. I feel like the team should do VERY little on defense this off-season (except offer 1 more year to Dawkins). The Defense is young, talented and somewhat deep. As for offense, I say we should draft a TE, RB and OT early on. I would then pick up a WR to compliment Jackson and Curtis.

THE PROJECTION – I predict that Andy Reid has a job as long as he wants it. In other words he wouldn’t get fired even if he was caught popping pills with his boys. The team is caught in a difficult position. The team is not good enough to win a Super Bowl but there not bad enough to get a high draft pick. As for this year, we should be happy if they get us 1 or 2 more wins. They are on borrowed time.

SATISFACTION OF TEAM PERFORMANCE – A+ last week, D for all the games prior.

PHILADELPHIA FLYERS

THE SKINNY – The team went real deep into the playoffs this year. I would say that the fun is back after that dreadful season two years ago. Although its tough to identify and grab on to guys who seem very blah to me (i.e. Nodl, Kalinski, Powe, Alberts). They just don’t seem as appealing as the days of Roenick, Tocchet, Amonte, Recchi, etc). But I’m knit picking; I just want a team with more Hartnell personalities.

THE COACH – I’m not a big John Stevens but my opinion of his coaching is changing every day. He still manages to have a very productive team despite half of his team being call-ups from the Phantoms. Stevens does have one glaring flaw that is somewhat detrimental to the team. I think he may be the worst NHL coach in terms of overtime strategy. In particular, he puts his worst shooters in a competition entitled “shootout.” I know it sounds like I’m picking small things to diminish his coaching ability but winning 4 more shootouts a year is a difference between a 1^st seed and maybe even a 4^th seed. One other thing I feel is that Stevens doesn’t give me an aura of a guy who coaches hockey. He looks more like my tax accountant. He may be the most boring guy in hockey but he wins….so who cares?

WHAT THEY NEED TO DO: To compete for the Stanley Cup they need to do 5 very easy things….

5. Get Healthy so we can have a team that doesn’t have to rely on only 2 lines for scoring.

4. Get Biron Hot in the late season.

3 Get Biron Hot in the late season.

2. Get Biron Hot in the late season.

1. Get Biron Hot in the late season.

Catch my drift? I don’t care if you have 12 Gretzkys on your team, if your goalie is mediocre in the playoffs then you have ZERO shot at the cup. That simple.

THE PROJECTION – I think the Flyers are very streaky. My guess is they’ll have a losing streak in the coming weeks then get hot around the playoff time. I think it’s very possible that they can reach the Finals but then they’ll face a better Western Conference opponent.

SATISFACTION OF TEAM PERFORMANCE – I admit that even though hockey is the least popular sport of most local fans (as far as interest is concerned), they still sell out arenas. It is fun to watch these guys. Especially the top two lines. I give them props (but not Brian). They get an A+

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES

THE SKINNY – World F-in Champions…Need I say more?

THE COACH – The man can speak Japanese but has trouble speaking English but who cares because he is also a World F-in Manager.

WHAT THEY NEED TO DO – Pay their players come arbitration time. Yes, even…Ryan Howard. But more importantly taking care of the unsung hero’s like Victorino, Werth, Dobbs and Madson is essential.

THE PROJECTION – I feel like the Phillies have another run in them. I’m predicting NL Champions or better.

SATISFACTION OF TEAM PERFORMANCE – Put it this way, there is nothing that will ever replace that memory of seeing Lidge get that strikeout and secure our 1st championship in Philly since 1983....I still can't believe it.

PHILADELPHIA 76’ERS

THE SKINNY – Hmm. Where do I begin? I may be a diehard fan but even I’m starting to recognize some disappoint but I implore all naysayers that the season isn’t even half over yet. To me it’s a very simple problem. The team has good players who are still learning to play together. It will take some more time. More specifically, they will need the second half of the season to see some consistency and chemistry. They have a solid center in Dalembert. He averages a double-double each night and is pretty high up in the league in blocks + Off rebounds. We have a nice guard rotation. The biggest flaw is outside shooting. Most people expected that to come from Iggy. I expected it to come from Kareem Rush. The one thing that baffles me is why Rush isn’t playing more minutes when you have the worst 3 point shooting team in the league

THE COACH – Ok, no exaggeration but Tony Dileo looks completely lost, baffled and out of sorts during the game. I understand he is a short-term coach until the season ends but my theory is if your going to fire Cheeks, you should have someone else in mind to finish the season. Otherwise, what’s the point? You are sending a message to your team that you want to tank the rest of the season with Dileo being the righteous scapegoat. Tony Dileos only coaching experience came in Germany. I once saw him take a timeout after the Sixers gave up 4 straight baskets a few games ago. He immediately looked at his assistant, Jim Lynam, with a sense of bewilderment and said “Now what do we do?” I don’t know why no one else has picked up on that moment. The truth is Sarah Palin is more qualified to be Vice President than Dileo is qualified to be an NBA Coach.

WHAT THEY NEED TO DO – Trade Thaddeus Young for an outside shooter. This makes the most sense to me since he has value, is young in age and because we have 2 other Small Forwards.

PROJECTION – Here is a story no one is reporting. The Celtics and Cavaliers are both on pace to break the Chicago Bulls single season win total. How does that affect the Sixers? Well, they will lose all 10 games on the schedule that are against those 2 opponents. The Sixers will finish 4^th or 5^th in the conference in total wins. How many wins? Between 40- and 42. Because of the Celtics and Cavs eastern conference dominance, there is a very real possibility that only 3 of the 8 playoff teams in the East will finish above .500. Something else I should mention. I still very much believe that Sixers will run off 10 straight games at some point this season. I actually thought they could win 12-15 in a row before Cheeks was fired. I have a pretty good idea on where this run will take place but I will keep my mouth shut to not jinx it.

SATISFACTION OF TEAM PERFORMANCE – C minus. They are still a fun team to reach. They rarely get blown out and they pretty good defense. But with the great drafting they did the last couple of years, coupled with the Rush and Brand signings, I would say that this team has underperformed thus far.

Top National Stories

1. Presidential Race (Palin, Edwards Obama Nation). What a captivating fun ride. The drama, the debates, the punch in the stomach I felt when I heard about John Edwards cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. As you may know, I was a fan of Obama and Edwards early on and somewhere in the debates between Oct. 2007 and Dec 2007, I went totally in the tank for Obama. The fun continued with the laughable pick of Palin and then there was Joe the Plumber…oh the memories. I loved this election for all the wrong reasons.

2. Economy – 10 million out of jobs. Many more underemployed, our 401KS have dropped dramatically, mortgage companies sold really bad loans, and Wall Street is crashing. Our government is handing out bailout money like its Halloween. We all feel it in someway. Even my love muffin was laid off from her job. I am optimistic that things will turn around in 2009.

3. Olympics – Michael Phelps is the greatest athlete of our time. I know swimming is not really a sexy sport in terms of interest but his 9 medals may be equal or better than then Brady’s Super Bowls and Michael Jordan’s championships.

4. Caylee Anthony – That gal’s murder was horrifying and disgusting but her mother is a MILF.

5. Gays can marry – At least they could for most of the year then some people found it to be disgusting and got the law changed. Does this mean that Portia DeRossi is available again?

6. Minors can marry in creepy Texas compounds – They also have very odd costumes that they are forced to wear.

7. Nick Hogan goes to jail – It doesn’t seem fair that he drinks, smashes his car and gets 8 months of jail and his buddy in the passenger seat is missing half his head and will spend the rest of his life in a nursing home.

8. OJ goes to Jail – It only took 15 years but they finally got it right. But here is a true story that had me rolling in laughter about OJ. In the mid 1980’s he was turned down for a role in the blockbuster hit “The Terminator.” The directors’ reasoning for not casting him was that OJ wasn’t believable as a killer.

MOST INTERESTING COUPLES

1. Lindsey Lohan and DJ Sam Ronson – Its one thing to wake up one morning and decide you are a lesbian but has your stardom dropped so far that you are dating someone who plays music at Bar-Mitzvahs? I guess The Hora is a turn on?

2. Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Mansion – This match is wrong for so many reasons. Firstly Evan is a gal with a boys name and Marilyn is a boy with a gal’s name. Tell me that’s not creepy? Oh one other thing, Marilyn is never seen without his black makeup.

3. Morgan Freeman and his wife – Its one thing to be caught in bed with another woman as your wife comes home but that’s not half as embarrassingly as explaining why you were in a car late at night with another woman. Obviously he never gets caught if he doesn’t get into a major car accident. Poor Freeman has to be rushed to a hospital and when he gains consciousness all he sees is his wife by his bed with some divorce papers…She didn’t even bring him flowers.

4. A-Rod and Madonna – If Guy Ritchie only knew how to hit a ball out of Yankee Stadium.

5. Jimmy Kimmel & Sarah Silverman – It was never meant to be especially when she is f-in Matt Damon and he is f-in Ben Affleck.

WEIRDEST BABY NAMES

Gwen Stefani – Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale – There is “no Doubt” this baby will get its ass-kicked one day.

-Clay Aiken baby -Parker Foster Aiken – When you have to explain how you fertilized a baby when you are gay, that is a sure sign that this baby will actually look like a science project gone wrong.

Jessica Alba – Honor Marie Warren – I hate to JUDGE this name but I would love to be that baby during the breast feeding times.

Sunday Rose Kidman Urban – Obviously it’s her favorite day of the week because that was the day her mommy broke up with Tom Cruise.

Amy Poehler – Archie – A Comic for the Comic.

Gillian Anderson - Felix (Big Brother named Oscar) – Neil Simon says he is naming his kids Identity and Theft.

Tripp Palin – In honor of Grandma Sarah who did a lot of Tripping over her own two feet this past fall.

HONORABLE MENTION

Moxy Crime Fighter Jillette born in 2006 to Penn (of Penn and Teller)

BEST TV SHOWS

SNL – Making a comeback thanks to the election. The best skit in my opinion was Ben Affleck doing a great Keith Olberman

Lost – Still have yet to see an episode but word is that each season gets better and better.

The Office – Best new comedy. I only saw 1 episode and I’m craving more. Apparently my friend Mike Staff is a big fan so he can fill me in at some point.

Idol / Americas Got Talent – My two guilty pleasures as I get really caught up in the human interests of the contestants.

Real World – This past season was a classic. It featured Brianna Taylor. One day stripping and next day becoming a pop star. Dreams are happening right here in Bucks County.

Monk – In the 5 or so years it’s been on TV I’ve yet to miss an episode. It’s a program that becomes very addicting. Tony Shaloub is just amazing in this character.

Real Time with Bill Maier – Its good to know that there is still a lot of smart programming out there. He is not only right on most social issues but he makes you laugh about them. His “New Rules” Shtick is just brilliant comedy writing.

WORST list Shows / Movies / Careers / People

Knight Rider – The show and the newspaper group. Both need to go.

Brooke Hogan – The only thing talented about her is her dad, Hulk Hogan. That’s it.

Anything on the CW – Enough of these sappy teen drama stories. No one cares?

Reality shows following washed up stars or “E” celebrities (ala Denise Richards, Lohans Mom) – This niche genre of reality television jumped the shark after The Osborne’s. Back then it was new and bold. Now it’s lame and old.

Plaxico Burress – Ever hear of a gun holster dumbass?

Rachel Maddow – I liked her as a part time analyst and now her sarcasm is really bugging me. She is real smart and knows her stuff but she needs to stop being condescending or I’m going to turn her off soon.

Pat Buchannan – Can you believe this grumpy old man wanted to be president?

MOST IRRITATING CELEBRITY

Elizabeth Hasselback - I don’t dislike her because she is a Republican because I am pretty moderate on my viewpoints. I dislike her because she can never admit when she is wrong, she is really rude to those who don’t agree with her and she wouldn’t have a job in show biz had she not been on Survivor.

Rush Limbaugh – George Bush could go on TV tomorrow and admit his failures and Rush would go to his grave saying that these past 8 years have been great for our country. His sarcastic remarks about Obama being the Messiah are simply unjustified and not amusing.

Paula Abdul – It is amazing to me that she can sleep with contestants, be doped up on drugs to the point where she is incoherent and she still has one of the greatest jobs in the world.

Amy Winehouse – Who are these so-called people attending her concerts?

My Greatest Sports Memories of 2008

Sixers Win 2 games vs Detroit – After making a nice run to end the second half of the season, the Sixers latched onto a 7 seed to finally get back to the playoffs after missing it the previous 2 seasons. Everyone expected us to get swept by the powerhouse Pistons. Although we eventually lost to them, we did manage to pull off two big wins and give our young team a taste of the preseason.

Sixers sign Elton Brand – On July 9^th, the Sixers signed the best free agent of the season, Elton Brand to a 5-year / 80 million dollar contract.

Flyers beat Capitals in overtime and advance to next round – April 22^nd. Normally winning a round in playoff hockey isn’t exciting. Unless you are an underdog and you win it in overtime. Our hero that night was Joffrey Lopel. A guy whose parents misspelled his first name on purpose.

Eagles smoke Cowboys and make playoffs – Sunday, December 28^th. It was more miraculous than 4^th and 26. For this would be a day when everything had to go right to make the playoffs. Then to top it all off, we crush those stinking Cowboys

Phillies Win the World Series – They were so good that they won on two days Oct 27^th and the 29^th due the game suspension due to rain. Hamels justifiably wins the MVP.

Phillies win division – On September 27^th we won the division for the 2^nd year in a row. This time it ended on a game ending double-play thus helping Lidge go perfect in save percentage in 2008.

Matt Stairs Homerun game – On Oct 13^th, The Phil’s trailed 5-3 in the 8^th inning when 40-year-old journeyman Matt Stairs comes to the plate. He hit the ball so far out of the park that it has still yet to land. Thus becoming the talk of the town for many days, years and decades.

Temple makes March Madness – After a 7 year hiatus, Temple Owls made it back to the big dance.

Chase F-in Utley – Nobody was spooked on Halloween when Chase Utley uttered exactly what we all felt.

Flyers beat Montreal – On May 3^rd, The Flyers won 6-4 and sent the team to the conference finals.

BEST NEWSIES

1. Anderson Cooper – Fair, modest and smart

2. Campbell Brown – Underrated, bullish and intriguing

3. Chuck Todd – Without doubt the most brilliant political analyst in all the land

4. David Gregory – Wise beyond his years, team player

5. Brian Williams – The best since Murrow

Philly Athletes of the Year

Eagles – Brian Dawkins – The future hall of famer has had a surge in his step this season.

Phillies – Cole Hamels – The true ace we finally got and deserved.

Sixers – Andre Miller – The quiet leader who has turned out to be an absolute steal in the Iverson trade.

Flyers – Mike Richards – A scorer, a fighter and a bonifide team captain.

Most Underrated Philly Athletes of the Year

Eagles – Jaqua Thomas – Even though he only has 5 sacks this season, he has been a monster on the D-line.

Sixers – Lou Williams – A great 2^nd round pick who may be one of the best 6^th men in the NBA.

Flyers – Scott Hartnell – He is full of personality, energy and has been awesome on the 2^nd line this season.

Phillies – Ruiz / Coste – Both underrated defensive catchers. Each made terrific tag outs at home plate, limited wild pitches and helped the pitchers finish the season with a great ERA.

2009 Predictions

Artie Lange dies of drug overdose

Michael Jackson goes to jail for child pornography

Some politician will need to resign for either cheating on his wife on taking illegal cash

Some new band will emerge. There name will be “Ponzi Scam.”

Obama will find Osama

Guitar Hero 43 will be flying off the shelf

Someone will fall off a cruise ship

Jimmy Fallons show will be surprisingly good

Oprah will lose weight and then gain it back

David Blaine will attempt to swim with deadly sharks and something will go terribly wrong.

Miley Cyrus will become pregnant

A professional athlete will come out of the closet.

As will one of the following celebrities…Queen Latifah, Anderson Cooper, Ryan Seacrest and or Kevin Spacey

Cole Hamels will pitch a no-hitter

Meatloaf will die singing his lungs out on stage

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL AND HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT 2009

TEXTING IS OUT OF CONTROL!!

When I was younger, I was a big fan of writing letters. I wrote letters home while in camp, I wrote to teachers whom I favored, I wrote to athletes and got signed photos in return, I even wrote to the president but apparently Regan was not one to respond to requests of of making school only two days a week.

As time went on I discovered the wonderment of email. To send a letter and not have to pay for a stamp was something of a cost saver for a penny pincher like myself. Then of course the cellphone came a long, which can merit an entire post by itself. For this post in particular, I wish to pontificate upon the annoyance of text messaging, which has reared its dirty head in society and sees no end in sight.

I bet each of you reading this post right now are either a Texthead or know a Texthead. These are the people who NEVER answer their cellphones but only want to communicate with you using text messagingmethod or I could use the proper terminology SMS (Short Messaging Service)

It is estimated that at least 2.4 billion people have text messaged on their cellphones making this communicative method of conversing the most widely used in the world. It has become so mainstream that there are competitions held for fastest texters. I should say that text messaging is not bad if used in moderation. But to block off any kind of discussion and interaction with friends, family and loved ones in substitute of a texting is simply rude, impersonal and quite frankly offensive to me. This post is not directed to an individual person but rather directed to our society.

The worst kind of Textheads are those who mass text trivial parts of their day. Such as the guy that must tell everyone that Bon Jovi is coming to town and he got tickets....I love Bon Jovi but in the scheme of lifes important moments this really doesn't warrant a mass text. Then there is the person that text messages me at 11pm on November 4th to inform me that Barack Obama is elected as our first African American President...Once again these are things I'm very well aware but thanks for the text pal.

Then there are those who feel like they need to text message everyone holiday greetings. Once again, I appreciate the thought but holiday cards are far more personal and meaningful then texting a generic message to over 200 people in your contact list. y biggest gripe with text messaging is that they cost money to send and receive. Therefore each time you (once again "you is referring to society) provide me useless details of your day, I am involuntarily being charged 10 cents multiply that by everyones useless messages and I'm hit with mega charges. There are no "Do you accept these text messages" options on my phone. I should mention that cellphone companies have made of 90 billion dollars in text messaging alone. Its highway robbery if you ask me.

So allow me to instruct you on ways texting would be deemed appropriate...
1. Emergency notification. You must reach someone quickly who you know may be screening their calls.
2. To send vital information to someone on the go (texting an email, address, phone number etc)
3. If you are in a crowded room and talking on the phone would be tough because of the noise.

Thats my take. Whats yours? Is texting out of control?

HEY BABE!! DON'T CALL ME SWEETIE!!

If you read my profile, you will know that I am 30-years-old. I don't want to be boast but I've been around the block a few times. I don't pretend to have wisdom beyond my years but I will admit that for 30-years old, I'm well-educated, well-cultured and well-rounded. With that being said, there is nothing more condescending, patronizing or more irking to me then a female younger then me calling me "sweetie." This is particularly bothersome when its a person I don't know.

After taking a minor survey at work today, I have come to notice that my co-workers also don't like being called sweetie by anyone other than their husbands. Since I work with all ladies (I know I'm lucky), they mentioned that they feel uncomfortable being called sweetie by both sexes. Obviously I only have to worry about it coming from women but Elton John can call me whatever he wants:) I digress.

Here is where this seemingly harmless word comes into play. It is prevelent when some high school gal is bagging my groceries or college aged girl is waiting on my table at a restaurant or some young professional sees me at a professional gathering. I don't want to be holier than thou but my feeling is that a younger women calling me sweetie makes me feel I'm being talked down to or they are acting like my mom. I don't think I'm alone in this thought. While campaigning for President, Barack Obama, a person I greatly admire, respect and look up too, called a reporter "sweetie." There was no ill intent but he realized its offensiveness and later I apologized. http://www.swamppolitics.com/news/politics/blog/2008/05/obama_apologizes_to_sweetie.html

I will say one other thing pertaining to this matter. I don't like younger men calling me dude. Once again I don't want to sound like a snob but there is verbal understanding that "dude" is reserved for younger kids much like "champ," "sport," and "pal." Once again I am being a hypocrite as we refer to my grandfather as "The Grandude" but placing the word "The" in front makes him sound as the only Granddude thus making less about the word itself and more about our respect for his being. But I would not refer to him simply as "dude."

I know I'm knitpicking but I think everyone can associate with my pet peeve. Right? I suppose things could be worse. I guess the supermarket cashier could say "Heres your milk schmuck."

DECEMBER: IN LIKE A LION AND OUT LIKE A LAMB

In January of 2007, my love muffin and I decided to take a cruise to Mexico. The ship set sail in Southern California. On the day we left Philadelphia it was was cold and rainy but as we landed in LA we were relieved to put on shorts and enjoy their warm weather. When we called home to brag, my mom informed me that the weather took a turn for the better and it was a balmy 70 degree in Philadelphia. I was awestruck. "In January, I stated." It then occur ed to me that in 2005 and 2006 we got some similar wacky weather in the region too. It then became clear to me that it was less of an oddity and now a trend.

I'm doing my best to keep my blogs as apolitical as possible but it has occurred to me that our planet is in great peril. I can echo the sentiments of the great environmentalists of our time and encourage you to utilize more alternative energies and help save the dying breed of polar bears in the Arctic but my blog is not a call to action. It is a call to thought. My thought is that we can no longer proceed a weather conversation by saying..."Can you believe the weather outside is____?"

In the third grade we were taught that "March is in like a lion and out like a lamb." I propose that this lesson shall now be changed to May is in like a lion and out like a lamb. Maybe even add this humdinger to your lesson plan, April SNOW showers bring May flowers.

Even as I write this blog its a crumby Friday weather in December. Its rainy, with sleet and the possibility of ice later in the day. Everyone is feeling like its going to be a long winter based on the weather of the last week or so. I don't feel the same way. We've had 70 degree days in January the last three years. Why should 2009 be any different? What inevitably happens is people think January sun means spring is around the corner. I say nonsense because for the last three years in a row I sat in Citizens Bank park on opening day of baseball in early April and I was freezing my tushy off. To add more validity to my argument of this evolving climate change, we should look no further then Las Vegas who for the first time got pounced with snow this week. I'm not even talking flurries, I'm speaking of accumulating snow in a desert.

I must mention one more thing about the weather. I believe the groundhog seeing his shadow in February is such a crock. I can wait to out that furry fraud in my blog in February. We have thousands of meteorologists across this great country with maps and computers trying to figure out what the hell is happening to our weather patterns and we have thousands of people flocking to some small Pennsylvania town putting their hopes into a rodent looking in a mirror....Please.

Here's my forecast: The climate is changing and if it stays on course, we can have
snow in June in Philadelphia within the next decade. Don't you think?

Kid Heaven

My love muffin and I are a proud aunt/uncle to 3 beautiful children all aged 4 and under. We have a 4th niece /nephew on the way in the summer of 2009 that we are also excited about. Certainly we love each and every one of those kids to death but recently my love muffin and I had an epiphany. Do we want to upgrade our kid status to become parents? Of course this question is a rhetorical one because most young couples eventually succumb to the pressures of society and pro-create to give our parents some pleasure in their older years but after we experienced a plethora of overwhelming "Kid Heaven Parties" it certainly makes you more appreciative of your newlywed years.

The term "Kid Heaven Parties" was something I recently heard described by a local radio host, Anthony Gargano on 610 WIP. Like me, the host is recently married and has nieces and nephews of his own. I'm guessing he is 10 years my senior and I'm conjecturing that he may be under a lot more pressure from his wife. Gargano described a party where he and his wife were surrounded by loads of kids at a discovery zone. According to wikipedia, Discovery Zone is "a chain of entertainment facilities featuring games and elaborate indoor mazes designed for young children, including slides climbing play structures and ball pits."

In reality these "Kid Heaven Parties" can really be inclusive to Chucky Cheese, roller skating, a circus, backyard bonanzas and other events. The key component is not necessary the venue but more so that you are surrounded by the birthday child and dozens of their screaming little friends. In our particular case, it was at a pretzel making factory party. There we were one of only two couples surrounded by 20 whiney, germy, loud and over-exuberant children. Also present were loads of parents with car seats, diaper bags, baby wipes, snot-infested tissues and other goodies that is essential to everyday toddler survivor.

The truth is that the party was fun and all the kids had a great time but my love muffin and I walked back to the car and openly thought how nice that this child-watching thing wasn't our life 24-hours a day. I have this unbelievable admiration for my sister, brother and their spouses. It would be an understatement to say being a parent is a hard job. But there is also something to be said about enjoying your early marriage years. I love the fact that my love muffin and I can have a peaceful meal without having food fly off the table. I love the fact that annoying nursery rhymes aren't stuck in our head all day long, I love the fact that we can sleep till 10am on a weekend without being woken up with cries from a crib, we love the fact that we don't know every character on Sesame Street. We are responsible for each other and at this point thats just enough.

We just are not ready for the child bearing right now and as cute and lovable as it is to pick boggers out of his your kids nose its just not in our cards for right now. Kids are not only a schedule-cramper but they require a lot of attention and can be very costly (especially in their college and wedding years). I know that my time will come sooner then later but it sure is nice to get up and go whenever we feel like it, to vacation on the fly and not trip over random toys. For now me and my love muffin, we are enjoying our years in adult heaven.

HANDICAP LEGROOM

One of my biggest pet peeves are people who ARE not handicap but park in handicap parking spaces. That includes those people with the fake handicap designation on their dashboard as they feel as though their handicap is simply being over the age of 65. Ashamed to say it but I have recently come to realize that I'm a hypocrite as I am a guilty of a similar offense.

I admit that when I go into public restrooms my first preference is the handicap stall. And why shouldn't it be? They always have more bells and whistles. Of course as a man of my height 5 feet 7 inches, I can barely get up on that high top seat and embarrassingly my feet barely touch the ground but let me tell you the view is beautiful from above. I have room to spread out. The stall area is almost as big as my entire condo. Plus as an added value there are handle bars all around me so I can do two things at once...go to the bathroom and practice my Olympic routine on the makeshift parallel bars.

My confession goes further. I just don't don't abuse the privileges of the handicap bathroom but when I travel, I like to request the handicap hotel rooms. Once again, they are roomier and filled with loads of amenities. That includes the phone in a bathroom, which hotels are straying away from these days. The close proximately to the elevator, which reduces your walk with heavy luggage up and down halls, the flashing light that goes off when a fire alarm is pulled (It also doubles as a strobe light when I have hotel room parties) and once again the room is surrounded with metal handlebars. This comes in handy when we meet local girls and they want to use the bars to stretch their legs as a ballet warm up of sorts.

I realize my confessions are inappropriate but the reality is I'm not the only one using the handicap facilities, if I was they wouldn't continue building them:)

DO PIRATES REALLY EXIST

Watch the news and all you will hear about are politicians selling senate seats, 10 million people living on unemployment, our country in recession, mothers killing their babies and very rich white men in suits looking for taxpayer bailouts because they badly mismanaged their industries. But if you watch the news at 10:59pm or 11:59pm, you will surely here stories about how Pirates are taking over the high seas.

These low life scum are ship hopping, kidnapping and scaring the bejesus out of cruise goers looking for a nice relaxing trip up and down the Arabian Sea. Is this really happening? When I was 9-years-old I was told that Peter Pan would come to save me in case I run into a pirate. When I was 13 I was informed that pirates were just very mediocre baseball players. I'm not totally convinced real pirates really exist. My gut just tells me there are just a bunch of crazed Johnny Depp fans looking to be extras in his next movie.

If I ran into a pirate I would them to see credentials. I would need to see at least one of the following things before I'm giving up my wallet...
A. An Eye Patch
B. A Wooden Leg
C. A Talking Parrot

If you can't produce any of those simple pirate things then I'm not giving you any gold....URGH!! Not unless you come aboard the ship on a unicorn.